FINDING MYSELF

FINDING MYSELF🌤
If I could change anything in my life, I would drastically alter my past. I would kick out that feeling of being a lesser being out of my mind. I would beat out the ugliness I felt till I became pretty! I would constantly pinch myself hard till I flew new wings of confidence – and you know what else I would have done? Most importantly, I would have loved myself more than LOVE itself.
Looking back.. I love the lady I’ve grown to become. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m thankful for how far the Lord has brought me. I have not always been like this – this outgoing, all-over-the-place, confident, outspoken, fun and crazy girl that I am today. I am no longer that shy, timid, quiet girl who had low self esteem issues and dreaded having to stand out. I’m glad I’m no longer that person anymore. 
The mistake I made (that most of us keep making) was trying to fit in. Trying to be accepted.. Trying to be like everyone else..trying to move with the flow (it’s now that I realise that only dead fish move with the flow). And it took me more than half of my life (fourteen years to be precise) to break those chains that made me supposedly invisible to everyone else even myself! And while I was trying so hard to deal with that, I had my academics to think about. I’m a free spirited thinker, I don’t do well with formulas and theories. I like to think of myself as a core mathematics person and not an elective mathematics kind of person. With core maths, you can use any method at all to get the correct answer. Take a left turn, do some backflips, freestyle a bit and even take a break while you’re still at it! So far as you are on the right track, the answer still remains the same. But elective maths????! My goodness! You either know the formula or you are out! Why follow the theories of dead scientists and not being able to understand why it has to be so?! (I know…I know… They are the greatest thinkers of all time while I don’t even have a degree yet) Is it a crime to want to understand why Acceleration = v – u/ t?? And not because Newton says its so?? I am arts inclined and it’s sad to know that even then, I didn’t know my own field. You need to know yourself! Other than that people will continue to push you around, forcing you into things you are not meant to do. You end up living someone else’s dream for them till you die – unless you are as fortunate as I am to be given a second chance to finally dream again! 
So I spent the next three years in a senior high school I didn’t like doing a course I literally hated!! Trying to chew the classifications of Animalia and Homo sapiens, learning abstract things such as measuring refracted angles and drawing graphs and then mixing up chemicals with deadly smells! Getting Es and Fs then in my electives was nothing new! The struggle was real! But amidst all this confusion was when I began to discover new bits of myself. I am a born leader. I quickly found out that when it came to organising people to do something (could be group work, a class project etc) it was second nature to me. I also never knew I had it in me to write. I thought my writing skills was only limited to English essays but no! I had the ability to write not just for grades, but to inform and to entertain as well. Winning first place in a creative writing contest opened my eyes to a lot of things. Imagine having to tell the world why your school is the best especially one that you didn’t really like?! 😂😂😂 well that should tell you how persuasive my writing can be sometimes.
I never once thought of my life in my own terms. My dad had literally planned out my entire life for me and I hated it! I hated that I felt I couldn’t do anything about it. But no, see, humans almost always tend to forget the presence of God in our lives! God can do what no man can do. Never ever forget that. One year in med school feeling all kinds of hopelessness and everything changed. Just like that. It is now that I know that everything happens for a reason. One minute I was a medical student.. The next minute I was on my own and for the first time ever, I was asked that one question I had been dying to hear my entire life! “What do you want?” God bless my mother’s soul! For her to still stick by me in spite of everything… For her to go all out to make me feel alive again..God bless you Ma!❤️ I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this – that feeling that you are finally about to get what you want and now you just don’t know what is? That was how I felt. It’s like Dr. Kwame Nkrumah fighting so hard for independence and then suddenly not quite knowing how to go about it. I had been running for so long I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. But no, God will never leave you stuck at the crossroads forever. No matter where you go or what you do to distract yourself, reality catches up with you eventually. He positioned me in a place I never even knew existed.
Some would see the years as wasted but no, I am who I am because of what I went through those years. Being a science student broadens your mind in so many ways. Though I never knew that a course like Communication Studies existed, I am here and I am having the time of my life! You know that saying that goes “It’s like I’m meant to be here.. I was born for this”?? Yes that’s exactly how things are for me now. “Stars don’t struggle to shine because that is exactly what they are made for!” We continue to struggle as human beings not because God loves some people more than us..but because we are in the wrong place. Most of us are in typical square peg – round hole situations! It’s never going to work! And that is why we keep struggling. 
For the first time ever, I was allowed to be me and do me and that was how I found my real self. The freedom I so desperately craved for finally came. Immediately, I cut my hair (it was as if I wanted to get rid of the old identity). But I was being me! I am crazy and there is nothing wrong with that. I love trying out different things.. Routine is boring. I die my hair all sorts of colours and it doesn’t change the way I feel about myself! To me, I’m the prettiest girl ever (no Beyoncé picture or Instagram upload is going to make me feel any less!) I can’t believe that I used to think I was ugly! Every girl feels unattractive sometimes, why had it taken me so long to figure that out?!
There is always going to be somebody prettier or more talented or richer than you, but it shouldn’t affect how you see yourself! At the end of the day, you come to realise that it’s not about popularity or even getting the cute guy. It’s all about understanding that no matter what label is thrown your way, only you can define yourself. You won’t die if you aren’t dating a guy with a car, if you don’t have an iPhone 6, if you haven’t drank Moët, if you haven’t been taken to a fancy vacation or if you don’t have a 28 inch Peruvian weave. Don’t lose yourself while trying to fit it in (matter of fact is, you shouldn’t even aspire to fit it in.. You are above all that)
People see me and say I’ve changed but truth is, I finally found myself. I am finally doing the things that make me happy!😃💃🏽💥. Don’t just FIND yourself, afterwards, ACCEPT the person that you are and go ahead to be the best possible version of you!🔥

(References: Kody Keplinger’s book “The Duff” and then excerpts from my life)

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HUMAN

 
A TRIBUTE TO DADDY: How it should have been written.

It’s been a little under two weeks since I posted my first blog post and the response has been so OVERWHELMING!! 🙈💥 A lot of inspiration and motivation pouring out from everywhere and I can’t thank you all enough! Four hundred and eighty views and still counting, you have absolutely no idea how excited I am💃

This next post reveals a bit of me that very few people know about. I’m generally a happy child but please permit me to be a bit emotional today.

One thing that I’ve never quite understood is why we only speak of the good aspects of someone’s life when they die and act like they never did wrong😕. Why do we make it look as though the person was perfect? Why gather round a lifeless corpse and act like the person was beyond human even though we know very well the sort of things the person did? Why do we pretend? Why do we cry for the benefit of others when we’d otherwise do nothing?? Just tell me…why???

💭💭”Trying hard to fight these tears

I’m crazy with worry

Messing with my head these fears

I’m so sorry

I know I’ve got to get it out 

But I can’t take it

Guess that’s what losing you is all about…”💭💭

It didn’t have to end like this, daddy you deserved better. I stand here, not only with a heart full of grief and pain, but that of regret as well. That moment mommy came back home from the hospital with your clothes and without you, I just knew that was it. It may sound silly to you but my first thought then was “I never got to take a selfie with you.” To me, that was a reminder of how our relationship was – anything but intimate😣😣. 

I wish we had been close. I regret not making the effort in trying to understand you and why you did the things you did. I’ve always thought you were the one at fault here – I mean after all, you should have taken the initiative! But are you really to blame? I ask myself. Communication after all is a two-way street.

There are so many reminders of you everywhere and for the rest of my life, I’ll have to keep finding a way to accept the fact that you’re truly gone.

I’ve never felt so alone like I do right now. All my life, for as long as I can remember, you made all the major decisions in my life. You never gave me the chance to be me. I never got the opportunity to do anything for me. I led the most part of my life for you – trying to please you and looking for your approval I never quite got. It was always you..you…YOU!! You had no idea how I tried so hard to make you Proud of me but it felt as if nothing I ever did was right. It got to that point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore. And then out of the blue, you’re gone. For the first time ever, I really don’t know what to do with my life. You left me to do what exactly????? Why bring me up this way if you knew you wouldn’t be around forever? Why would you leave me halfway?😩😩 why on earth would you do that to me??

Verbal abuse is the worst form of abuse to ever have to go through and I pray to God you never experience it, ever. It has a way of killing your spirit and trust me, that is by far the worse than the kind of pain you experience through caning or slapping or belt whipping! I don’t know why you constantly slapped my spirit with hurtful words. I still don’t understand why you found it extremely difficult to give compliments. It’s like you knew just the right words to use each time you wanted to break me down. You did it so skilfully – at a point it seemed as though you derived some sort of joy from seeing me broken and hurt. It’s sad because all I ever needed was an “it’s okay. You can do it” to keep me going and not an “I told you so” retort.😪 I’ve always felt inferior because of this, and Lord knows I still do…even now. 

It tears me apart that my kid brothers don’t seem to remember anything good you did. It’s like they hated your very existence. But I’d be a liar if I said you did nothing right. I’m grateful for the prayer life I have as a result of your constant “nagging” every evening. I remember how you would come into our rooms at bedtime and close the louvre blades and curtains and then ask us to pray before sleeping. Even now, when I’m about to sleep, a part of me keeps hoping that you’ll pass by and remind me to pray. It’s hard to fully accept your absence.

Now whenever I hear country music and eighties classic love songs, all it think of is you. How you would sit outside and stretch your legs and just listen. You taught me the value of good music – Tina Turner, Phill Collins, Whitney Houston, Kenny Rogers, Dolly Patton, Celine Dion among others, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

I’m sorry for all the terrible things I ever said to you. If I had known you were dying, rather than spend the last two years of your life constantly arguing with you and being a “freedom fighter”, I would have spent the time trying to just understand you. I read somewhere in a physics textbook that “to every action, there’s an opposite and equal reaction.” I am truly sorry for everything – but truth is, I wouldn’t have said or done any of the things that I did if you hadn’t pushed me to that point.

I bore so much resentment in me until now. I swore I’d never forgive you for what you did to me. But I now realise that the more I keep it all in, the more I keep hurting on the inside.

My tribute is way different from the others, I know. 

But I did this to let us all know that we are far from perfect. 

My dad made mistakes and did certain things wrongly. 

We all do. 

He wasn’t perfect…

And that’s what made him HUMAN

….just like everyone of us.😔😔

“To err is human…

To forgive is divine…”

I’m learning to let go. It’s the only I can truly find myself and be free.

Like John Green would say, “Grief doesn’t change us, it reveals us.”

KALEIDOSCOPE OF GIRLS

I wrote this waaaaaay back in Senior High School for my year group magazine REVAMPED (shout outs to the Dahlia 3 Science 1 giiiiirls😂✌️). Even then.. These girls, scratch that – We’re sisters now!!😍 – could see the potential in me that I clearly couldn’t see in myself so I’m dedicating this piece to them. They are part of the reason why I began blogging in the first place and for that I’m eternally grateful🙈😀.
Attending an all Girls’ boarding school has been an eye opener in every sense of the word! Believe me, there’s absolutely nothing that beats the experience of being surrounded by girls of all categories “struggling” to belong and to be known! After carefully observing them (both in and out of school).. I identified a few prominent groups📝⬇️

  • NERDY GEEKS

 

Otherwise known as “walking encyclopedias”. Always seen coming out of a library or having her head buried in a book. Even in “dumsor” situations when everyone else gives up on studying, she’s busy reading a huge textbook in the dark with a flashlight! Girls like this were just born to give PRESSURE! Her social abilities are close to non existent except of course – you happen to be a geek like her!

  • FASHIONISTA

  

You’ll definitely find her at the mall every weekend shopping. (As for mall, it could be Accra mall, it could be Circle mall or Tema Station mall or Kantamanto mall😂😂😂 the value is still the same!) She always does her damn best to be in vogue. It’s designer labels all the way for her. If you see her carrying a Louis Vuitton bag👛, don’t look so shocked! You’ll probably find her in an Armani suit next time smelling so good you know she’s put on Chanel no#5 with her swag intact! 

  • ENO TECH

  

She’s always on the lookout for the release of the latest gadgets and technology. When asked, she’d tell you Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckenburg are the best things that ever happened to mankind. She’s so not the “yam” kind of girl😂 If you’re not into twitter, whatsapp, Instagram and BBMing….then forget it! – cos you don’t stand a chance.💁

  • TOMBOY

 
Almost always seen sporting a T shirt, a baseball cap, jeans and sneakers! She loves being in the company of guys and just in case you want to take her out on a date, never make the mistake of taking her out to dinner mate! 

  • GOLD DIGGER

  

All she ever does is to chase after wallets, credit cards and dough!!! If you ain’t got a dime, then you’re definitely not her type. One thing is for sure though, you’ll never see her again when you’re broke😅

  • EFIE AKOKO

  

Hmmmm…as for this one, she’s “dada Ba” all the way. Goes everywhere with a chauffeur driven car and never in a “Troski”. Money ain’t shit for her but her lack of adventure makes her stupidly naive! 

  • MISS INDEPENDENT

  

She walks and talks like she runs the world. She has it all – money, cars, clothes, accessories – you name it! She’s “fly” effortlessly and one thing though (for the guys), one silly move and out the door you go💁

  • THE TYPICAL JULIET

  

The least thing thou doeth, she thinketh thee is the most romantic person in the world. No matter how horrible thy voice is, just a verse of a love song will have her crawling at thy feet! Rose flowers, long walks at night, beachside escapades and cooking are just the kind of things that melt her heart😍💭 To her, just about everything is romantic!

  • GIRL-NEXT-DOOR

  

She is your average everyday kind of girl. Down to earth, ever friendly and never thinks too highly of herself. Her beauty is that which radiates from within unto the outside💞. She’s as real as it gets!

  • GOOD GIRL GONE BAD

  

Such girls have dual personalities. They usually have the innocent and angelic look yet the sort of things they can do is more than enough to shock the devil himself!😹 I mean there’s nothing wrong with having a good girl who does bad things – but there’s a thin line between this and hypocrisy😕

  • YAA GADAAFI

  

The “Yaa Gadaafis” are the squad leaders! The queen bees! The boss chicks! The area “gangalias”! ✌️Mess with her, and you end up messing with the entire squad. Whenever there’s confusion or a fight somewhere, you’ll find them at the very center of it. They talk the talk and walk the walk so if you know can’t handle the heat, then you have no business tampering in their playground in the first place.

  • DYNAMITE CHICK

  

The moment she walks into a room, every head turns! She’s beautiful, she’s intelligent, she’s hot, she has great legs, she’s IT!!! And the best part of it all is that she knows it! Even when she’s in a crowd, her presence definately  screams out loud!😎
Now, tell me..which kind of girl are you?😉😉 And if you’re a guy, which kind of girls are you attracted to?

RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME

RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME1⃣ Life is all about stories. The beauty of it all is that everyone has a different story to tell and that’s what makes life interesting! (Like they say, we are in the same hell 🔥except we’re facing different devils👹) I LOVE to read! – anything and everything! Truth is….I’d rather read than watch a movie. My favourite authors of all time are Sidney Sheldon, John Grisham, John Green, Danielle Steele and Julia Roberts. If you haven’t read any of the Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling, then trust me, you haven’t read anything yet! 

2⃣ I’m outspoken. What it will take three years for someone to say, I’ll use three minutes to hit the nail on the head😶📌🔨. It’s like asking me if you look nice in an ugly navy green sweater😖 (not that I have anything against the colour navy green). Rather than lie and tell you how absolutely gorgeous you look in it – I wouldn’t comment on it at all. And if I did, I’d tell you how you remind me so much of a frog I saw the other night and suggest a different outfit.

3⃣ Speaking of colours, I simply adore LEMON GREEN💚. Why? I’m not going to lie to you about how it’s bright and funky and how it reminds me of nature (blah….blah). I love it because I love it!!😍

4⃣ I so love mp)t)mp)t), kenkey and pepper (preferably the one adjacent papaye and then tasty jerk😋) and then finally beans with plantain, in that order! I’m not really a food person (I’ve been told I have a disturbing eating pattern…😕) but I’d choose these three over any food any day.

5⃣ Oh and I enjoy cooking! I have this secret ambition of opening my own restaurant some day💭🍲. I love trying out new recipes (God being so good, I have four brothers who are ever eager to eat my food😂. I make sure they rate me after each meal just so I can take note of my progress.) I can make a three course meal out of refrigerator leftovers (not that I’m bragging😜) and you know the best part about cooking?? – The compliments and look of satisfaction I get from those who are brave enough to eat my food😂😂.

6⃣ Okay, and I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that I’m a PHOTOGBEE 📷 and a proooudd one at that!! Wherever you see a camera, you’ll see me in front of it posing. I always jokingly tell my friends that when I die, rather than use the conventional style of writing tributes, my funeral brochure should be an entire photo gallery instead, capturing every highlight of my life😌.

7⃣ I believe in God! 🙏📖Very much! (It doesn’t mean I’m “cref” either) God has done so much for me and I’ll be a fool to deny His very existence. I’m not exactly “spiritual” but gradually I’ll get there some day. My favourite verse in the entire Bible is Ecclesiastes 9:11 

“I have observed something else under the sun

The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race

And the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle

The wise sometimes go hungry

And the skilful are not necessarily wealthy

And those who are educated don’t always lead Succesful lives

It is all decided by chance, 

By being at the right place at the right time..”

This is my guiding principle in life.

8⃣ I’m a music freak🎶. Music just has a way of sending you to a place that nothing and no one else can😍. Isn’t it strangely weird that there’s a song for every mood?!! My favourite genres are rock, a bit of country and then the 80s and 90s classic love songs! I just can’t understand how people can live a life without a hint of Tina Turner, a doze of Whitney Houston and a touch of Toni Braxton!😱 – like omg! Like….are you okay? Like really okay?! Oh and I’m a sucker for anything “RIHANNA”!!! 

9⃣ Underneath all the layers of confidence and make-up and hype and all the brick walls I’ve carefully built around me, I’m an emotional mess on the inside! Every now and then I feel like a helpless little girl with a lot of emotional baggage weighing me down. I’m a very shy person and the very few people who are brave enough to want to know me inside out, are those who eventually come across it.

I’m not perfect… But I’m me.☺️

🔟 I’m pretty sure you’ve figured out by now that I WRITE🙈 I’m no Sidney Sheldon but I sure as hell will definitely get there one day!💫😎✌️