If I could change anything in my life, I would drastically alter my past. I would kick out that feeling of being a lesser being out of my mind. I would beat out the ugliness I felt till I became pretty! I would constantly pinch myself hard till I flew new wings of confidence – and you know what else I would have done? Most importantly, I would have loved myself more than LOVE itself.
Looking back.. I love the lady I’ve grown to become. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m thankful for how far the Lord has brought me. I have not always been like this – this outgoing, all-over-the-place, confident, outspoken, fun and crazy girl that I am today. I am no longer that shy, timid, quiet girl who had low self esteem issues and dreaded having to stand out. I’m glad I’m no longer that person anymore.
The mistake I made (that most of us keep making) was trying to fit in. Trying to be accepted.. Trying to be like everyone else..trying to move with the flow (it’s now that I realise that only dead fish move with the flow). And it took me more than half of my life (fourteen years to be precise) to break those chains that made me supposedly invisible to everyone else even myself! And while I was trying so hard to deal with that, I had my academics to think about. I’m a free spirited thinker, I don’t do well with formulas and theories. I like to think of myself as a core mathematics person and not an elective mathematics kind of person. With core maths, you can use any method at all to get the correct answer. Take a left turn, do some backflips, freestyle a bit and even take a break while you’re still at it! So far as you are on the right track, the answer still remains the same. But elective maths????! My goodness! You either know the formula or you are out! Why follow the theories of dead scientists and not being able to understand why it has to be so?! (I know…I know… They are the greatest thinkers of all time while I don’t even have a degree yet) Is it a crime to want to understand why Acceleration = v – u/ t?? And not because Newton says its so?? I am arts inclined and it’s sad to know that even then, I didn’t know my own field. You need to know yourself! Other than that people will continue to push you around, forcing you into things you are not meant to do. You end up living someone else’s dream for them till you die – unless you are as fortunate as I am to be given a second chance to finally dream again!
So I spent the next three years in a senior high school I didn’t like doing a course I literally hated!! Trying to chew the classifications of Animalia and Homo sapiens, learning abstract things such as measuring refracted angles and drawing graphs and then mixing up chemicals with deadly smells! Getting Es and Fs then in my electives was nothing new! The struggle was real! But amidst all this confusion was when I began to discover new bits of myself. I am a born leader. I quickly found out that when it came to organising people to do something (could be group work, a class project etc) it was second nature to me. I also never knew I had it in me to write. I thought my writing skills was only limited to English essays but no! I had the ability to write not just for grades, but to inform and to entertain as well. Winning first place in a creative writing contest opened my eyes to a lot of things. Imagine having to tell the world why your school is the best especially one that you didn’t really like?! 😂😂😂 well that should tell you how persuasive my writing can be sometimes.
I never once thought of my life in my own terms. My dad had literally planned out my entire life for me and I hated it! I hated that I felt I couldn’t do anything about it. But no, see, humans almost always tend to forget the presence of God in our lives! God can do what no man can do. Never ever forget that. One year in med school feeling all kinds of hopelessness and everything changed. Just like that. It is now that I know that everything happens for a reason. One minute I was a medical student.. The next minute I was on my own and for the first time ever, I was asked that one question I had been dying to hear my entire life! “What do you want?” God bless my mother’s soul! For her to still stick by me in spite of everything… For her to go all out to make me feel alive again..God bless you Ma!❤️ I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this – that feeling that you are finally about to get what you want and now you just don’t know what is? That was how I felt. It’s like Dr. Kwame Nkrumah fighting so hard for independence and then suddenly not quite knowing how to go about it. I had been running for so long I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore. But no, God will never leave you stuck at the crossroads forever. No matter where you go or what you do to distract yourself, reality catches up with you eventually. He positioned me in a place I never even knew existed.
Some would see the years as wasted but no, I am who I am because of what I went through those years. Being a science student broadens your mind in so many ways. Though I never knew that a course like Communication Studies existed, I am here and I am having the time of my life! You know that saying that goes “It’s like I’m meant to be here.. I was born for this”?? Yes that’s exactly how things are for me now. “Stars don’t struggle to shine because that is exactly what they are made for!” We continue to struggle as human beings not because God loves some people more than us..but because we are in the wrong place. Most of us are in typical square peg – round hole situations! It’s never going to work! And that is why we keep struggling.
For the first time ever, I was allowed to be me and do me and that was how I found my real self. The freedom I so desperately craved for finally came. Immediately, I cut my hair (it was as if I wanted to get rid of the old identity). But I was being me! I am crazy and there is nothing wrong with that. I love trying out different things.. Routine is boring. I die my hair all sorts of colours and it doesn’t change the way I feel about myself! To me, I’m the prettiest girl ever (no Beyoncé picture or Instagram upload is going to make me feel any less!) I can’t believe that I used to think I was ugly! Every girl feels unattractive sometimes, why had it taken me so long to figure that out?!
There is always going to be somebody prettier or more talented or richer than you, but it shouldn’t affect how you see yourself! At the end of the day, you come to realise that it’s not about popularity or even getting the cute guy. It’s all about understanding that no matter what label is thrown your way, only you can define yourself. You won’t die if you aren’t dating a guy with a car, if you don’t have an iPhone 6, if you haven’t drank Moët, if you haven’t been taken to a fancy vacation or if you don’t have a 28 inch Peruvian weave. Don’t lose yourself while trying to fit it in (matter of fact is, you shouldn’t even aspire to fit it in.. You are above all that)
People see me and say I’ve changed but truth is, I finally found myself. I am finally doing the things that make me happy!😃💃🏽💥. Don’t just FIND yourself, afterwards, ACCEPT the person that you are and go ahead to be the best possible version of you!🔥
(References: Kody Keplinger’s book “The Duff” and then excerpts from my life)